In an Effort to Look Less Dead.


I was going to do a joke Halloween post about which fake blood has the best consistency, or which prop mustaches are made with top-quality brush fibers. It was going to be funny. Full of puns. A jocular roller coaster of laughs.

But then I went out hard for Fantasy Fest and met some Latvians with a penchant for numerous, silently-chugged glasses of vodka and oh my god, my brain, my brain, my poor sodden mop of a brain, I am no longer a human, I am a crumpled up cocktail napkin on the bottom of a drag queen’s shoe.

So instead: Best concealer options for under-eye circles suffered after a night of alcohol-soaked revelry and subsequent regrettable 4:00am Slamwiches at Denny’s…?

Easy. I go to my girls Laura, Bobbi, and my fabulous gay friend Yves. I use a nice, medium-sized blending brush (MAC 217 or the Bare Minerals Maximum Concealer Brush) and I dab a little green-based (to cut any redness) or peach-based (to cut bluish/black shadows) primer on first if I’m feeling extra dedicated or need to look especially alive. Smashbox for both, or else my trusty, much-loved Too Faced shadow primer if I’m in a rush and just need something to prevent creasing. Excellent primer, must-have. Buy it immediately. Thank me later.


This is an actual portrait of me.


Bonus round: Best overall tool for helping you look less like a plate of old sandwich meat? I know it’s not cheap, but divided by the six masks that come in each $90 kit this SK-II Halloween Mask of Horrifyingly Expensive Glory (not teeeeechnically their actual name) works out to $15 a sheet, which seems pricy until you realize it’s the same shit Kate Winslet and Iman use, and those chicks are basically ageless and perfect-looking all the goddamn time, so they must be on to something. (You can also pay $125 for 10 sheets, which is even cheaper at $12.50 a mask, but for some reason $125 just looks so much worse than $90 that I debated even typing it at all, lest I get hate mail written on the backs of Monopoly money. Anyway, buy here.)

I use these masks if I have to look ON POINT, or if I am feeling sorry for myself and want to sit inside, wear a fur coat and feel like a reclusive heiress grey gardens-style. They are LAVISH AS FUCK and and come with a team of microscopic skin leprechauns who inject little globules of moisture into your skin and make you look like a soft-skinned, plumped-up baby. (They don’t actually come with leprechauns, don’t sue me.)

In addition to the above, I can only add: drink your water, sit in the dark, swear you’ll do better next time.

Yours, with brain damage,


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