Yes, the most important part of today is that you should get your ass out and vote.
The SECOND most important thing about today is that I am SO excited about the release of the following two products that I feel like I am going to THROW UP all over my “I Voted” sticker.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ole Henriksen I wish you were my BEST FRIEND and we could spend all day LAUGHING and TALKING and PEELING OUR FACES OFF WITH LEMONS.
Look at that swoopy brush it comes with! Imagine how fucking luxurious and soft it feels to apply your face mask with that! YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN FACIALIST!
This peel has like a million things in it that I am deeply, problematically in love with. Lactic Acid? Fruit acid? Glycolic acid? ALL MY ACIDS UP IN THIS JAR.
Licorice Extract? Oh you KNOW I’m gonna have some bright-ass skin from that.
Algae? What is this, La Mer? GET THAT SEAWEED ON MY FACE LIKE YESTERDAY ALREADY.
When this face peel arrives I might sleep with it under my pillow at night, I might eat the whole jar and have to go to the hospital, I might write a boppity song and post it on youtube and await my big break. So many choices. So many emotions.
This stuff used to only be available in a beautiful, medium-sized (13.5 oz) bottle that cost EIGHTY AMERICAN DOLLARS, which, I mean, it’s essentially a hopped-up drunk bubble bath. That’s excessive. That’s Mariah Carey demanding a thousand white orchids and fifty cans of Beluga caviar in her tour bus excessive. No one needs to pay 80 bones for bubble bath, I don’t care if you literally shit gold.
But Oh, oh man. Oh man was it delightful and alllllllllllllmost worth it. Like, super-expensive-hostess-gift-for-when-Ethel-Kennedy-invites-you-over-for-dinner worth it. I used to go into Sephora, pick up this bottle, stand there like an idiot for 30 minutes just staring into the beautiful, golden center, and then walk out crying.
GUESS WHAT THEY JUST RELEASED A SMALLER LESS-EXPENSIVE VERSION OH MY GOOOOOD SEPHORA WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOING TO MEEEEE.
And just FYI: It doesn’t smell like sake, really. Not in an overpowering, boozy sense (though there is certainly a time and a place for that. Namely: Christmas holidays.) It doesn’t smell like anything heady or overtly feminine. It mostly smells like angels. Angels, and money, and good taste, and inner peace. It makes your skin feel like hand-churned butter. It makes people lean into you on public transportation and tell you stuff like “You smell like a good dream.” (TRUE STORY, HOW CREEPY IS THAT.) And now it’s available in a $48.00 bottle, and you know what? That is still cray. That is still almost too expensive for bubble bath, but COMPARED TO 80 IT’S FINE. It’s fine, okay? It’s fine. Just trust me. Just slip into your sake bath, hopefully not whilst wearing a culturally inappropriate geisha wig, and dream your big dreams.
We need some soothing bath time today. It’s an exciting, momentous time! But also: that can be hella stressful. So we need some lemon face masks, and some sake baths, and some wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’ about the future of our nation. Go vote. Then go take a bath.
You bet your ass that’s what I’ll be doing.
So excited I could pee, (but hopefully not in the bath)