Black Friday Sales and Freezing Your Ass Off

I can’t help you with your pie hangover– which is a real thing, believe me, I would know. Recovery just takes time, lots of rest and lemon water, plus shaking your fist at the sky and swearing that as God as your witness you will NEVER eat three slices of pumpkin cheesecake again.

But I wanted to drop in a quick note and say that the online beauty world is still under the impression that it’s black Friday and has set up some delightful discounts for you. I would rather cut off my feet and bleed to death than wait up all night for the chance to get trampled at Best Buy on my quest for a cheap television, but I am certainly not above some calm, private online discount shopping.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU CRAZY ASSHOLES, IT’S JUST A TELEVISION

That is mental. There is nothing in the world at Best Buy that you need that badly. Was Best Buy giving out deeply discounted health insurance plans? Did Best Buy have a special section of limbs for amputees, or an aisle devoted to $200 college educations? Be ashamed of yourself. You elbowed your fellow man in the ribs for the chance to purchase a Canon Coolpix. HIDE YOUR FACE.

Meanwhile, on the internet:

The Sephora Black Friday Sale is still going strong, with a bunch of $10-and-under mini products that I swear by. Everything from Bliss creams to Benefit mascaras and a bunch of great stuff in between is on suuuuper sale, meaning you can try out some fabulous shit without having to commit to a full-sized expensive version.

(And let me just say: reports of me waiting up till midnight just so I could buy four or five Ole Henriksen $10 sets and a handful of Boscia minis, all the while screaming at my boyfriend TO NOT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW I AM DOING SOMETHING SUPER IMPORTANT AND IF YOU DISTRACT ME I WILL FUCKING CUT YOUR FACE have been greatly exaggerated by biased parties.)

Ulta is also doing some dope Black Friday discounts over on their website, and while their selection is kind of down to slim pickings, you’d do well if you were in the market for a new straightening iron, hairdryer, hot rollers set or Bed Head product. AND, if you’re ready to take the plunge, Skinstore.com has Clarisonics on sale for 20% off. They’re also discounting some great lines like Perricone MD and La Roche-Posay. GO FORTH AND PURCHASE ONLINE, YOUNG WARRIOR.

 

This is not camping. You are doing camping wrong.

 

Also, I’m up North and HOLY SHIT is it way too cold for comfort. The transition from balmy Floridian weather to ball-shrinking icy breezes and negative humidity has made my skin roughly the texture of tissue paper. It’s flaking off so bad that I am one step away from shedding my entire surface epidermis like a weird, fat snake.

To deal with dry and painfully chapped or scaly skin, I’ve got some favorites. I have already talked about my love for this bad boy, which I apply everywhere including my face in winter, but I also want to highlight the following:

 

Packed with every emollient you could ever want PLUS antioxidants, this cream does not fuck around. It is simultaneously thick and lightweight, in that it has the consistency of pudding but rubs in wonderfully without any residual greasiness. It comes in a giant tub that I like to keep beside my bed when I travel to cold places, using handfuls at a time and complaining that I can’t afford mink fur sheets. I am a BABY about the cold. I demand hot baths be drawn for me. I slink around and lay on top of the heating vents like a house cat, sucking up all the warmth. I wear a union suit un-ironically. This cream and I, we’ve had some good times.

My quick fix for cracked, painful lips (which doubles as a solid under-eye mask for winter) is alarmingly simple: cut open a Vitamin E capsule and rub the oil directly onto your skin. It will be sticky and gloriously thick. Allow to soak in. Breathe a sigh of relief; snuggle deeper into your flannel onesie. Look up mink fur bedding on Ebay. Repeat if necessary (it shouldn’t be.)

Teeth chattering-ly yours,

M

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