Things I have put on my face this week include, but are not limited to, taco juice, vitamin E oil, SK-II essence, candle wax, dog slobber, men’s moisturizer, dirt, josie argan cleansing oil, and sunscreen.

Some of them were, obviously, not on purpose.

The biggest news is that this peasant with a heart of gold saved up her pennies (which her boyfriend is under the impression were being put towards paying off a medical bill I maaaaaaay have been avoiding for over a year– COME AND GET ME, ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON WHO WAS MEAN TO ME) and instead bought this…


Oh, shit.


I did it.

It happened, I bought it, I’m becoming Cate Blanchett, whatever. It’s not a big deal.

(It’s a huge motherfucking big deal. It cost more than I spent on groceries in February.)

I’ve only been using it for 4 days so results are EXTREMELY PRELIMINARY. Possibly ludicrous. Potentially unprovable. Perhaps hallucinatory, even.

They may be entirely in my head, is what I’m saying here.

BUT, disclaimers having been given, let me just say:  I think it’s changing my shit you guys. YOU GUYS! I THINK IT’S MAGIC.

So much so that I may or may not have rushed into the bedroom this morning and slammed my face into someone else’s face screaming DO I LOOK DIFFERENT AND MORE LUMINOUS OR WHAT. (He declined to comment.)

When I put three delicate, precious drops of this on my face the skin feels plumper, softer, and kind of tingly and rubbery (in a good way.) My scars seem to be fading, and– here’s the kicker–my nasolabial folds actually seem a little less severe. (I mean, I’m 25. Maybe I just got a good night’s sleep. OR MAYBE IT’S THE MAGIC POTION I’M APPLYING 2X DAILY.)

I’ll keep you updated.

In the meantime, for those of you weathering….weather right now, remember that a broken open capsule of vitamin E, spread liberally across chapped skin and left to soak for a few hours while one indulges in one’s choice of trash tv, can work miracles.

Stay fly, face mamas.

Yours, in essence (get it? Because I wrote about SK-II essence. I’m that good.)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: