A Crying Shame

So, to catch you up: we’re buying a house.

And it needs a lot of work.

And while my other half is super (annoyingly) crafty and can build things just by THINKING about them–whereas my home improvement skills are strictly limited to vetoing paint colors and moving all the furniture to one side of the room so I can do some half-assed workout video–we definitely have a very, very limited budget.

Luckily we work in real estate development, so when the opportunity to straight up cannibalize another (way nicer) house came along, we jumped on it. Grabbed our crow bars, loaded up the ipod with some Ke$ha, and started tearing stuff out and boxing it up.

It’s been dirty and sweaty and fun, if you’re the kind of person who thinks bubble wrapping shower heads and coming face-to-face with the limits of your own meager physical strength on a daily basis is fun.

Anyway. Today I was in the middle of taking down some light fixtures in the house that we’re going to use parts from to renovate our own shack– and the key word here is shack, because the house we’re buying is pretty busted but the house we are cannibalizing is DOPE AS HELL and totally tricked out– when I heard a thunderous crash and had what I assume is the worst thought any human has ever had, which was:

Please let that have been someone getting shot.

Please let that thunderous, terrifying crash have been someone I care about DYING…as long as it wasn’t the marble…

“The marble” is a series of huge glorious polished Carrera marble countertops that we would NEVER IN OUR YOUNG LIVES be able to afford on our own.

Our own countertops, financed from our bank accounts, would most likely have to be made out of aluminum foil wrapped around abandoned lobster traps. Or cardboard boxes spray painted silver. Or human hair we wove into the shape of a rectangle.

But these marble countertops, which just happen to be inside  a house that Noah’s dad is about to have DEMOLISHED WITH A BACK HOE to make way for the project he’s building….these countertops are like the Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy of countertops. They went to a really nice boarding school, then Yale, then they worked at Vogue. They have like 3 Birkins and they wear Chanel Cristalle and they use La Mer on their elbows and they’ve mastered invisible makeup and they never swear, ever, because it’s unbecoming of a lady or whatever. They’re the American Dream of countertops.

Needless to say, we were pretty stoked to get the opportunity to save them from demolition and give them a new home with us.

And then the crash happened, and I thought my horrible thought, and I ran down two flights of stairs like the dingo had my motherfucking baby and was carrying it into the woods.

I made it to the kitchen in my flopsweat and of course Alex had narrowly avoided being squashed (yay, I guess) by one of the fucking marble countertops, which now looks like this:

photo copy

And so I did what any reasonable person would do.

I cried like a freshly minted newborn baby. And then I went outside into the hot sun and I kept crying.

For like 30 minutes.

Here’s the thing: I am not a pretty crier. I’ve seen chicks who can shed a few tears and somehow wind up looking more beautiful than they did before,  all dewy skin and flushed cheeks and sad, glistening eyes. They win oscars.

I am not those girls. I am not even distantly related to those girls.

So when I find myself at the mercy of a long, hard, snotty cry– the kind that leaves you in dry heaves with a chipmunked-out face and two little pinpricks where your eyes used to be– I rely the following products to get me back up and running….

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1. This Triple Oxygen Instant Energizing Eye Gel has a lofty name, for sure, but it delivers. It’s cooling, soothing, de-puffs and de-squints.

2. Good ole Physician’s Formula– you can find this in your local no-fuss CVS or Walgreens aisle, usually– makes a perfectly wonderful green concealer that is truly the best at cutting redness. Followed by a creamy, long-wear concealer (these are all great) in a tone that matches your skin (unless the Physician’s Formula green stick already matches your skin, in which case: seek help) is really your best shot at masking any redness. This system also works perfectly for angry red zits, should those plague you. Apply both the green-colored corrector and your concealer with a concealer brush or beauty sponge if you’re feeling technical and fancy.

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3. If you’ve got a few minutes, this truly awesome mask from Origins cannot be beat. For those events when two cold, wet chamomile tea bags (a cheap, natural trick that works to calm the under eye area) ain’t cutting it, this mask works to tighten your whole face and bring down puffiness so you look like an adult human again, instead of a reddish cabbage patch doll.

4. Another age-old trick that can’t be beat? A light nude eyeliner applied to the waterline. I know some people like to use white to brighten the eye, but frankly I think that makes you look like a cracked-out crazy person so I try to steer people away from arctic tones. You just wind up looking like an Anime character. Which….I mean, if that’s your thing, get down with your 2D self. But for the rest of us these are pretty badass.


Now, if you’ve got the time and salad fixin’s handy the standard chilled cucumber slices over the eyes are nice, and if you’ve got a whole 8 hours I have recently added Jurlique’s calendula cream to my usual cocktail of 2 ibuprofen mixed with green tea before bed and I am hardcore loving the results.

The truth is, I am an emotional lady. I cry a lot. I watch a lot of Humane Society commercials, I think about the elderly, I cry a lot, and I wind up with puffy-face-red-splotch-itis. Those are my demons, and these are the products I use to fight them.

Cheerfully/Tearfully yours,


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